Deeper
by The Lilac Elf of Lothlorien
Summary: Dean has always had a thing for girls with long legs, silky hair, and amazing eyes... or so Sam has always thought. Until he meets the love of Dean's life who is missing two out of three. And while at first Sam is happy for his brother, he soon realizes that the love affair was doomed from the beginning. OFC character death. Rating for safety-you know Dean's mouth.
1. Dean Has a What?

AUTHOR'S NOTES: So for once one of my plot bunnies is actually a fully formed story. I'm surprised, really. This story should only be 4 or 5 chapters so I'll be able to finish it up in relatively good time.

STORY SUMMARY: There has always been three things that Dean has paid attention to with his girlfriends: their legs, their hair, and their eyes. Sam finally finds out why when he meets Dean's wife. That's right-wife. But their love affair has been anything but easy and their reunion may be shorter than they expect.

A/N2: This takes place after 'Abandon All Hope' but Ellen and Jo are alive and Lucifer was killed with the Colt. I'll try and fill in details as I go.

* * *

SUPERNATURAL: Deeper

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Chapter 1-Dean Has a _What__?_

Sam Winchester was curious.

VERY curious, actually. The kind of curious that usually had him asking a bunch of questions of his older brother, Dean.

But at the moment, Sam was driving towards Milford, Michigan with Dean asleep in the passenger seat.

Two months ago, after narrowly getting out of Carthage, Missouri alive, Sam and Dean had been celebrating with their friends—Bobby Singer and Jo and Ellen Harvelle. Jo had been attacked by hellhounds and had almost bled to death before Ellen managed to get her to the hospital. Meanwhile, Sam and Dean had—by some miracle—managed to kill Lucifer with the demon-killing Colt revolver that had recently come back into their possession.

During the course of the partying when the group finally regrouped back at Bobby's house, the celebrations included Bobby proposing to Ellen who had said yes.

So far, life seemed good. The demons were under control, and the cases lately were just the usual crap.

But last week, Dean had seemed agitated and worried about something after getting a phone call that he had refused to talk about. And then he started spending hours on Sam's laptop looking up…

Sam looked over at his brother and felt his stomach clench as he remembered looking at Dean's search history the previous night. Dean had apparently tried to cover his tracks, but his computer mojo didn't hold a candle to Sam's. And once the younger Winchester had brought up the search history, he nearly stopped breathing.

Dean's research had been centered around bone cancer and bone marrow transplants, including the best hospitals for treatment, side effects… Sam felt his head spinning as he went through everything he'd read for the 3rd time that day. Looking at his brother again, he fought the urge to wake him up and pull over until Dean told him everything. How long had Dean been sick? And why hadn't he told Sam anything about it?

Getting off the interstate and turning right onto the new road, Sam nudged Dean who woke quickly and stretched before asking, "We almost there, Sammy?"

Sam nodded, continuing to look straight ahead out the windshield. "20 minutes till we get to the hospital," he said, flatly. His stomach did another squirm and his mouth went dry. He didn't say anything else, just kept driving until Dean looked over at him.

"Why don't you just drop me off and go hit a motel, Sammy? You've been driving almost 12 hours straight," Dean offered, noticing how tense his younger brother looked. Expecting Sam to shrug off how tired he was, he was caught off guard by Sam slamming on the brakes and hastily pulling off to the side of the road in a cloud of dust.

Putting the car in park before turning it off, Sam turned to look at Dean who looked ready to berate him for mistreating the Impala. "Why didn't you tell me you were sick?" Sam snapped, hurt and anger in his voice. When Dean frowned in confusion, Sam went on. "I saw what you were looking up on my computer, Dean! How the Hell could you keep something like this from me? I mean, is that why you've been taking crazy risks lately? Because you're dying?"

"Whoa, whoa…" Dean said, quickly, hands up in a 'calm down' gesture. "I'm not dying, Sammy, okay? I promise."

But Sam didn't believe it. He remembered shortly after Dean had picked him up from Stanford when they'd been hunting a witch in Utah and Dean had been bitten by a Mojave Rattlesnake. Sam had finished off the witch but had panicked when Dean had gone missing. A week later, Sam had stood by his brother's bedside in the hospital, half relieved that Dean wasn't dead, but also pissed off that Dean hadn't called him about what had happened.

Of course, when Dean had finally explained, Sam's anger had lessened slightly. The snake's neurotoxic venom had caused Dean to hallucinate before causing several seizures. Then he had suffered an allergic reaction to the antivenom and had ended up unconscious for nearly 6 days.

Thinking on that whole event, Sam took a deep breath and fixed Dean with a sharp look. "You're not dying," he said, figuring he'd start with the basics. When Dean nodded, Sam asked, "But you are sick?" he added, trying to keep his composure.

"I'm not sick," Dean insisted, firmly. When Sam started to reply, Dean again held up a hand to stop him. "I am _not_ sick, Sammy. Okay?" Taking a moment, he sighed and rubbed his face with one hand before he went on. "Look, it's a long story, alright? Let's just get to the hospital and I'll tell you everything."

Sam didn't say anything for nearly 5 minutes, but he eventually nodded and turned the engine over. Pulling back onto the road, he once again felt his curiosity revving up as he and Dean headed down the road.

xxxx

Parking in the visitor's lot at the Beachwood County Hospital, Sam felt his curiosity and his doubts turning up again, especially when he saw how nervous Dean was as they walked into the building. But before Sam could start up the questioning again, Dean led him into the nearest elevator and hit the button for the top floor.

"Two and a half years before I got you from Stanford," Dean began as soon as the doors closed and the elevator slowly moved up. "I was involved with this girl. More than involved," he added, thoughtfully. "We were in love. I spent almost 5 months with her after we met and I stopped by to see her whenever I could after going back to hunting. 8 months later… we started looking at rings."

Looking at his brother with an expression of incredulity, Sam didn't have the slightest clue what to say to that. Dean had almost gotten married? But then he looked at the ring that Dean always wore—something Sam had puzzled over for the past 4 and a half years—and realized that 'almost' was the wrong word. Wait… Dean had married a girl and hadn't told Sam, their dad, or even Bobby?

But Dean saw the look and shrugged lightly. "It wasn't much of a wedding. She and I got married here in the hospital. We tried to make it work with me hunting, but…" He gave Sam a sympathizing look. "After what happened to Jessica, I realized that it was too dangerous for her and me to be together."

"I'm sorry, Dean," Sam said, quietly at the elevator reached their floor. He hated that his brother had given up on what had obviously been an important relationship because of him. When Dean didn't add any more to the story, Sam asked, "What's her name?"

"Amanda," Dean replied before the doors opened. He stepped out, Sam right behind him and started navigating the hall until he was stopped by a woman in her late 20's. Dean tensed a bit but tried to sound sociable as he said, "Hey, Melissa."

The woman frowned disapprovingly at Dean for a moment before looking at Sam. "I'm Melissa Allard," she said, holding out a hand to Sam.

"Mandi's twin sister," Dean supplied, simply. "How is she?" He wanted to see Mandi but knew that right now whether or not he did see her was dependant on her sister's permission.

Melissa crossed her arms and again frowned at Dean. "The doctors are starting her chemotherapy treatments before the transplant." She didn't say anything else and seemed to be taking just the slightest bit of pleasure from Dean's pain. Finally, she said, "Room 5259."

Dean headed down the hall, leaving Sam and Mellissa alone. "Nice to meet you," Sam said, after an awkward silence.

But Melissa smiled, wryly, as she led Sam to the waiting room. "Dean never talks about me or Mandi, does he?" When Sam shook his head, she sat down with a sigh before starting the story. "Mandi and I are conjoined twins. Well, we _were_ conjoined," she amended. Pulling up her right pants leg, she exposed the titanium prosthetic she wore. "I was the lucky one. Hip and upper femur were in good shape so I was able to keep most of my leg. But the way Amanda and I were joined, her hip was in really bad shape and the doctors had to remove her entire leg at the joint."

Sam was shocked by that. And particularly because until now, Dean had always eyed a woman's legs first. Now he was finding out that his brother had been married to a woman with one leg? But thinking about Dean's research, Sam asked Amanda's sister, "So how long has Amanda been sick?"

"Off and on since she was 10," Melissa replied. "The cancer was first diagnosed just after her birthday. The doctors did chemo and radiation after removing a tumor from her tibia. She was sick for a year and a half before she went into remission. When she was 16, the cancer came back. She lost her right leg just above the knee because of it."

x

Pausing just before he got in visible range of Amanda's room, Dean tried to quell the butterflies in his stomach. For some reason, he wondered if this would be easier if he and Mandi were divorced instead of still married. Okay, technically they were separated, but still…

He wished he knew the right way to handle the situation. But it wasn't like there was a handbook for what to do when you find out your estranged wife was hospitalized because she needed a bone marrow transplant because chemotherapy and radiation were no longer working on the disease killing her.

Leaning with his back against the hospital wall, Dean rubbed his face with one hand. He wanted to be here… he _needed_ to be here… So why couldn't he just walk into that room?

x

"You know when Dean first met Mandi we—me and my parents—were kinda surprised," Mellissa said, continuing her sister's story. "He seemed kinda fixated on looks, but Dean and my sister… their eyes met and that was it. They went to rock concerts, car shows… Mandi loves burgers even though she's supposed to be watching her diet and Dean took her out for dinner nearly 5 nights a week."

"So she was in remission when she met Dean?" Sam wanted to know. He had endless questions going through his mind but since Dean didn't talk about it, apparently the answers would be coming from Melissa.

Melissa shook her head, paused a moment and then shrugged. "She'd just finished her last round of chemo. Dean was in the hospital after getting beaten up by ghost." Seeing Sam's startled look, she gave her first real smile of the day. "Yeah, imagine my surprise when my future brother-in-law tells me he hunts monsters for a living."

"And you were okay with that?" Sam asked, amazed by the revelation. Usually civilians didn't take to well to the fact that the things that went bump in the night were actually out there.

"Took a while," Melissa admitted. "But Mandi loved Dean and he loved her. They got married and seemed really happy." Her mood turned dark as she went on. "But then Dean said it was too dangerous for them to be together and that was the last I saw of him until today."

"Are they still married?" Sam wanted to know. Knowing what he did about Amanda and Dean, he suddenly felt guilty for being the reason that Dean hadn't been with the woman he loved for the past 4 and a half years.

"Technically," Melissa told him, standing up. She looked at Sam and after a few moments, she said, "Come on. I think they could use us being there, don't you?"

Sam followed her and when he saw Dean he gave him a reassuring look. "Come on, Dean."

Dean just nodded and after a little light pushing from Melissa and Sam, he went into the room and tried not to react to how Amanda looked.

The last time he'd seen her, Mandi's hair had been growing back and it had come in with a frizzy curl that Dean had loved. He'd gently run his fingers through her hair, making it more frizzy and messy which annoyed Mandi but also made her smile. But now she was once again bald and even her eyebrows and eyelashes were gone.

She also looked more pale and thinner than he remembered and she was wearing a pair of pajama shorts and a sweatshirt as she sat in bed with the blankets tossed back as though she had been too hot. But even as bad as Amanda looked, Dean couldn't help but smile. She was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever known.

"Hey there, hubby," Mandi said as she saw Dean come in followed by her sister and a man that had to be Dean's brother, Sam. "Long time, no see."

"So how are you doing?" Dean asked as he tentatively approached the bed and slowly sat down.

"Better now that you're here," Mandi said, her voice sounding tired, but she sat up a bit more.

There was so much to talk about and so much Dean wanted to apologize for. Turning to look at Sam and Melissa, he said, "You guys mind giving us a minute?"

Melissa looked reluctant, but nodded and left, although she remained just outside the room within visual range but not necessarily within earshot.

Sam quickly got the Impala's keys from Dean and hastily said something about finding a motel before leaving the room.

Mandi sat up and after a moment, she gave Dean soft laugh. "Boy, you were never this serious before. Do I look that bad?" Touching her bald head, she added, "Is it my hair?"

Dean gave her a small smile which she returned. "No, you look beautiful."

"Well, then do you mind moving over a bit?" Mandi said, looking at where Dean was sitting. "You're sitting on my leg."

Dean jumped up quickly and a split second later, he gave Mandi a look which made her laugh even more. "That's not funny," he said, quietly as he sat down again.

Mandi sighed and looked at Dean, long and hard, for almost 3 minutes. "Look, I know that what's coming is going to be worse than anything before now. And if I want seriousness, I'll talk to Lissa. Look, Dean, I know why you left. The life you lead… And I've just been getting worse the past year." Taking Dean's hand, she added. "I never stopped loving you, Dean."

"I missed you so much," Dean said, putting his hand gently on the back of Mandi's neck and pulling her closer into a kiss. "I was such a dick for leaving. I love you."

Hugging her husband, Mandi felt tears in her eyes as she said, "I love you, Dean…so much."

x

Out in the hallway, Melissa hugged herself as she watched Dean and Amanda kiss and smile and laugh and talk… just like they had when they'd actually been together. Mandi had refused to divorce Dean. She loved him and knew that once he did what he needed to do, he would come back.

But now that Dean was back, would he stay? Surely he wouldn't leave while the ultimate battle for Mandi's life was just beginning.

The last thing Melissa wanted was for her sister to be hurt again. But with Dean Winchester, that was always a constant danger.

* * *

A/N3: Next chapter-When Dean Winchester met Amanda Allard.


	2. When Dean Met Mandi

AUTHOR'S NOTES: First of all, I'd like say that the deli mentioned at the end of this chapter is a real place and one of my top five favorite food places in Michigan.

Also, in this chapter, we find that Bobby knew about Dean's wife.

x

Chapter 2 When Dean Met Mandi

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_7 Years Ago…_

Knee fractures were no fun at all.

In fact, Dean now considered them in his top 5 list of things to never do again.

He'd been after the ghost for the past week and had finally found the young boy's bones in the attic of his old house in a locked trunk. But just as Dean tossed his lighter onto the salt and lighter fluid soaked remains, the kid's ghost sent the hunter out the attic window 3 stories up.

Not remembering the neighbors calling the police or the house's current inhabitants checking on him while the ambulance was summoned, Dean's only recollection of the event was the ungodly pain in his left leg, back, and ribs.

xx

Waking in the hospital later on, the doctors had been astounded that Dean hadn't been paralyzed by the fall. However, he had suffered hairline fractures to two of his thoracic vertebrae as well as 3 broken ribs and 2 cracked ribs.

And then there had been Dean's knee. The injury had been a dislocating fracture requiring a fair amount of surgery to repair and even with months of physical therapy, the docs warned Dean that he most likely would end up with a permanent limp.

Sitting up in the hospital bed he was in, Dean glanced at the phone for a moment before trying to turn to reach it. He stopped, though when the pain in his back flared up. "Got this sucks," he muttered, leaning back against the pillows behind him. He'd been told that he would have to wear a back brace for 6-8 weeks so he didn't do any further damage to his spine but the thing was a pain and didn't let him move too much.

The worst part for Dean was that he was alone. His dad was off on another case, Sam was at Stanford, and he hadn't heard back from Bobby since the hospital had called him a week ago.

"Want some company?"

Dean turned as best he could towards the door and stopped when a girl in her late teens/early 20's came into the room. She used forearm crutches since her left leg was missing completely and her hair was totally gone. But what really registered to Dean were the girl's eyes. They were bright blue and seemed to twinkle when she smiled at him.

"I'm Amanda. Amanda Allard," the girl said, limping over to a chair near the bed and sitting down so she was facing Dean. "Everyone calls me Mandi, though. That's with an 'I', not a 'y'." Her eyes sparkled as she eyed Dean, taking in the back brace and his casted left leg which was bent slightly at the knee and suspended in a traction rig. "Fell down the stairs?"

Dean gave her a smile in return. "Got thrown out of a 3rd story window."

"Ouch," Mandi winced, leaning back. "So… You got a name to go with that charming smile and those handsome eyes?"

"Dean Winchester," Dean said, holding out a hand. When Mandi shook it, he paused, wondering how to phrase his next question.

Thankfully, Mandi knew the questions before Dean said another word and she pretended to look worried for a moment as she said, "What? Is my hair a mess?"

Dean broke out laughing only to wince heavily as the action jarred his injured ribs and back. Adjusting the bed slightly so he was sitting up a bit more, he blushed slightly as he replied, "No, actually… You're beautiful."

Now it was Mandi's turn to blush which actually gave her pale skin a bit more color and seemed to make her look even prettier. "You know, outside of my family, hardly anyone has ever really said that to me?"

Even though it hurt to do so, Dean sat up just a hair more, his expression entirely serious as he said, "It's true. I mean, you have the most amazing eyes I've ever seen. So…," he started, feeling like they were just avoiding the elephant in the room. "Are you…? Uh…"

Mandi laughed again. It was a wonderful, cheerful sound and she gave Dean a sympathetic smile as she said, "Yes, I'm a cancer patient. I just finished my latest round of chemotherapy and I was finishing up a packed cell transfusion when I heard a some of the nurses talking about you." Her eyes sparkled devilishly as she added, "One or two of them apparently want to take you home with them. They couldn't believe that there was no one to call for you."

Dean was a bit uncomfortable hearing that news. Oh, there were people to call, alright. There was his dad who was off on a hunt somewhere and would come whenever… if at all. Then there was Sam who may or may not return his calls depending if he was still pissed at their dad for kicking him out a year and a half ago.

Bobby was still in the wind, but Dean knew that as soon as he got the messages, the older hunter would come running.

Feeling tears welling up, Dean looked away as he wiped his face with one hand. "It's a long story," he muttered when he felt Mandi watching him. When he heard her chair slide back a bit, he looked up and his eyes widened when he saw her pull up the right leg of her track pants, revealing the titanium prosthetic.

"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours," Mandi said, quietly, putting her pant leg down. When Dean said nothing, she went on. "When my twin sister and I were born, we were conjoined at the hip and femur. My right leg was fine and so was her left leg. But the lower part of the limb we shared had a severe deformity. When Melissa and I were separated, her hip was better suited for the upper part of our shared leg. She still had to have additional surgery and the doctors had to amputate the lower part of the leg but she's doing just fine now. She teaches special needs kids, coaches basketball…"

"What about you?" Dean wanted to know. Had Mandi lost her other leg because of the cancer or had it been an accident of some kind? And the interesting thing was that none of it detracted from how pretty she was. So what if she was missing both legs and her hair? Dean waited for his new friend to continue her story, more and more eager to know everything about her.

Mandi shifted in her seat and continued her story. "I have lived my entire life with one leg. When I was 10, I was first diagnosed with cancer. Did chemo, lost my hair, threw up more times than I can count… Went into remission but relapsed when I was 16 and did the whole thing all over again only I also lost my left leg above the knee on top of it. Then remission and relapsed 10 months ago and I just finished up the current round of chemo a couple days ago. Hopefully the cancer will stay gone this time."

"Job? Boyfriends?" Dean asked, curiously. This girl was incredible. And every second he spent with her, the more he felt like he was falling for her.

"Uh, I work here, at the hospital, actually," Mandi replied. "Receptionist. It's mostly for the health insurance, actually." She stopped for a moment, blushing as she looked away. "I don't know why I said that. I'm sure you don't care about my past or anything."

"I do," Dean assured her, quickly. "I do care. You're funny, sweet… beautiful."

Pointing a finger at Dean and giving him a look, she smirked as she said, "See, now, you keep saying that but you strike me as being a very adept charmer."

"I mean it," Dean insisted. "Look, you're right about me," he admitted. "But I really do like you. Seriously."

"Don't let my boyfriend hear you say that," Mandi said with a serious look. When Dean started looking surprised and worried, she put a hand on his arm. "You are way too easy to tease." Moving from the chair to Dean's bed—being careful not to sit on his good leg—she made sure she was comfortable before she said, "Now you. What's your story, Dean Winchester?"

'_Where to begin?'_ Dean thought. He wanted to tell Mandi the truth. He'd never wanted to be honest before but hearing what Amanda had been through, Dean felt he owed it to her to be that honest about himself. "I'm 23, I have a younger brother named Sam, and my dad's name is John." He cleared his throat and went on. "Mom's name was Mary. She died when I was 4. Sammy was only 6 months old at the time."

"Oh, my God," Mandi exclaimed, quietly as she took Dean's hand in hers. "I'm so sorry, Dean."

Dean nodded, knowing that the rest of the story would be the hard part. "Something killed her," he went on, after a moment, waiting for Mandi to start asking question. "It… it wasn't human." Mandi said nothing, but she seemed to be gauging Dean's honestly as she studied him. "Eventually… Dad found out that all that 'Don't be afraid of the dark, there's nothing under the bed' stuff was total bullshit."

"Monsters under the bed are real," Mandi said, her tone indicating that she was trying to figure if Dean was lying or telling the truth. "Vampires… werewolves… Bigfoot? That… all exists?" For years, she'd told herself that the worst thing in the world was cancer. But now she was expected to believe that monsters were actually out there?

"Bigfoot's a hoax," Dean replied. "But yeah… vampires, werewolves… Fuck, I'm here because a ghost threw me out an attic window." He could feel his current morphine dose wearing off and hit the button the nurse gave him for another booster dose. Going into the case that had landed him here, Dean went on. "The kid's name was Milo Janoso. He was abused for years. When his mother killed him, she locked his body in a trunk in the attic of her parents' house. The house has been for sale for years, but people have been getting hurt and saying it was Milo, so I had to get rid of the kid's ghost."

Frowning in confusion, Mandi asked, "Uh… how does that work? You do a 'Ghost Whisperer' thing, or what?"

"Salt and burn the remains," Dean explained. "Vampires can only be killed by beheading, and werewolves are dropped by a silver bullet to the heart."

Mandi let out a soft chuckle and rubbed her brow before scratching an itch behind her left ear. "Wow… That's… um…" Laughing again, she admitted, "I have no idea what to say."

"Well, you're not running out of the room screaming for the nurses to lock me in the psych ward," Dean said with as much of a shrug as he could manage.

"I like a funny guy," Mandi said, smiling again. "So… how long have you been hunting the things that go 'bump' in the night?"

And so Dean launched into his sordid family history of hunting monsters and ghosts. He refrained from going into personal details and dodged those whenever Mandi asked. How would she understand getting in between his father and brother when the two fought—taking the punishment when Sammy made a mistake? Or how from the age of 5 Dean had acted like a mother and father to his little brother?

x

As the sun started to set, Dean sighed as he looked at Mandi. "Guess you need to go, huh?"

Mandi smiled at him as she stood, balancing deftly on her crutches. "I'll be back tomorrow, Dean. I promise."

Dean watched her go and once she was out of sight, he lowered the back of the bed some before closing his eyes and drifting off into a restless sleep.

xxxxxxxxx

"Morning, Sleeping Beauty."

Dean groaned as he heard the all-too-familiar gruff voice of Bobby Singer. Opening his eyes, he blinked hard against the sunlight pouring into the room. "Bobby," he said, adjusting the bed into a sitting up position. "When'd you get here?"

"Last night," Bobby replied, pulling a chair over and sitting down. "How're you feeling, sport?"

Dean groaned again as he shifted position slightly. "Like I got thrown out of a 3rd story window." Looking at the man he'd always considered a second father, he asked, "You talk to the docs?"

Bobby nodded, silently. After convincing the night shift doctor that he was Dean's uncle and only available family, the doc described Dean's condition which was pretty brutal. Worse, it would likely be at least a month before Dean would be able to leave the hospital and even then he'd still be on bed rest for another 3-4 weeks before starting physical therapy. "Yeah, I talked to 'em," Bobby replied, grimly.

"So…" Dean said, looking at his busted leg. "I guess this is the end of my pro-ball career, huh?" Leaning back a bit, he sighed deeply. "Even when I do heal up, I'm gonna be useless. Can't hunt monsters if I'm a gimp, right?"

Bobby didn't know what to say to that. If he agreed with Dean than he would likely be adding to the young man's depression. But what if he pushed Dean to go back to hunting and the kid got himself hurt even worse? Bobby mentally shook his head at that. He couldn't live with himself if he was the reason Dean got hurt or killed. "Look, all you can do right now is heal up. We'll take the rest as it comes, alright?"

Dean knew that Bobby was skirting around the issue but that the older man was also right. There was no way to tell what would happen and all Dean could do was rest and let his broken body heal. But as his mind drifted to the previous day, he had a mental image of a pair of amazing blue eyes and a warm, caring smile. "It's not all bad," Dean admitted, giving Bobby a grin. "I met a girl."

Bobby's jaw dropped in absolute amazement. "Boy, they could be putting you 6 feet under and you'd still be picking up chicks."

But Dean gave him a look. "No, this girl's awesome. She's got these amazing blue eyes. And her smile is incredible. She's the most gorgeous girl I've ever met."

"What's her name?" Bobby asked with a grin.

"That's Mandi with an 'I'," said a soft female voice.

Dean grinned as Bobby stood up and looked at the young woman standing in the doorway. "Hey, beautiful," Dean said as Mandi limped in on her crutches.

When she got to Dean's bed, she sat down on the bed on Dean's right side while Bobby sat back down on his left. "For you," Mandi said, giving Dean a paper bag. When he opened it, a heavenly scent of fried dough and cinnamon wafted out. "One of the nurses brings in homemade doughnuts almost every day. I smuggled you some from downstairs."

Dean took one of the small doughnuts and bit into it, practically moaning with pleasure. It was the best thing he'd eaten since landing in the hospital and it was nice to get some real food in his system.

As Bobby watched Dean and Mandi talk, he couldn't help but smile. He had to admit that Mandi was more than a bit of a surprise. Dean's past girlfriends had always been lookers-typically, they were leggy blondes with more hair than brains. But this girl was missing one leg and Bobby didn't have to be a doctor to figure out that she was a cancer patient. But even with that, the two seemed to get along so well and it was good to see the younger Winchester smiling again. Ever since Sam had left, Dean had seemed in a funk—more so since he and his father had split up.

Maybe this girl would be good for Dean.

* * *

_1 1/2 Months Later_

"Okay, you gotta keep your elbows straighter, Dean," Mandi advised as she watched Dean try to walk using his own pair of forearm crutches. They were in the Physical Therapy room of the hospital and while Dean was trying to get the hang of using the crutches, Mandi was sitting on a pile of mats nearby. She knew Dean was doing the best he could, but she could also tell that he was more used to the more standard crutch. And while those were fine for short term use, but the forearm crutch was better for long term cases like Dean's.

"You know, you make this look so easy," Dean snapped as he started to get the hang of it… he hoped. He gave Mandi a mock glare, but the corner of his mouth tweaked in a smile.

Mandi laughed, but she looked at her lower body as she did so. She was wearing a pair of running shorts today which meant that everyone saw the prosthetic. "When I was really little, I learned how to walk with crutches. I've been using them my whole life."

Dean stopped, balancing carefully, and sighed. "Sorry. I know I can be a dick sometimes."

"Yeah, but you're _my_ dick," Mandi replied before suddenly blushing fiercely and covering her face with her hands in embarrassment. "Oh, I didn't mean that! I meant…" When she lowered her hands, she felt her heart race as she saw that Dean was standing right in front of her. He leaned forward and without warning, he kissed her on the mouth.

The kiss lasted for a good 2 minutes and when Dean pulled away, he saw a disappointed look in Mandi's eyes. "Is it too early to tell you I love you?" he said, quietly.

Mandi grabbed the front of Dean's shirt and pulled him into another long kiss. "Not if you really mean it."

* * *

_1 Year Later_

Dean and Mandi had only been together for the past 8 months but already the oddness of their appearance as a couple had totally vanished. Because Dean's leg was still pretty painful, he used the crutches if he was walking long distances.

Like now, as he and Mandi were strolling down one of the streets of Ann Arbor, Michigan towards Zingerman's Deli.

It was warm, but Dean still more jeans—the better to cover the brace on his knee—but Mandi wore shorts and even with the prosthetic leg Dean noticed that some of the guys passing them were eyeing Mandi's breasts and butt.

"I saw that," Mandi said as they got to the deli and headed inside. When Dean gave her an honestly innocent look, she grinned. "You were totally checking out my ass."

Dean grinned at his girlfriend and chuckled as they went up to the counter to order their sandwiches. Once out on the patio, he put his crutches aside and looked at Mandi as she did the same. Her hair had grown back and was now about 8 inches long and had a curly frizziness to it that that annoyed her, but Dean thought just made her even more beautiful.

"You know… I've never felt more in love with any other girl than I do with you," Dean said, giving Mandi a smile. "Sometimes I think you pretty much saved my life after I got busted up last year."

Mandi put a hand on Dean's arm and gave him a light squeeze. "Hey, you needed a friend and I was happy to be there. And I love you, too, Dean."

Dean felt his mouth go dry and he hoped what he was about to do wasn't too cheesy. Seeing one of the deli employees coming with the sandwiches, he gave the guy a slight nod and surreptitiously slipped a hand into his pocket to pull out the small jewelry box, keeping it under the table for a moment.

"The Muffa-leo for you," the guy said, placing one basket in front of Dean. Turning to Mandi, he smiled as he said, "And the 'Will you marry me, Mandi' for you."

Mandi started to give the guy a polite smile, but his words had just sunk in and she did a double take. "Wait, the… the what?" Looking from the deli guy to Dean, Mandi felt her jaw drop as she saw her boyfriend holding out tiny box containing a silver and diamond ring. "Dean…" she breathed, not knowing what else to say.

"Amanda Joanna Allard… will you be my wife?" Dean said, taking Mani's right hand in his left while holding the ring in his right hand.

Tears fell down Mandi's cheeks and she beamed with joy as she nodded. "Yes. Yes, I will!"

The rest of the customers cheered and applauded as Dean slid the ring of his girl's finger and leaned forward to kiss her. When they parted, Dean couldn't remember a single time when he'd been happier than at that very moment.

* * *

A/N: Next chapter, Bobby, Ellen, and Jo show up and Dean asks a favor of another old friend.


	3. One More Day

AUTHOR'S NOTES: So there's one chapter left on this and it will be a tearjerker. When I'm done with this, I'm hoping to go back to some of my WIPs so look for updates!

Chapter 3 One More Day

* * *

_Present Day_

The following morning, Sam went with Dean to the hospital—if only because it was the only way to get his brother to see his in-laws. It still felt strange to say that but seeing how uncomfortable Dean seemed, Sam avoided bringing the issue up.

Claire and Devon Allard—Melissa and Mandi's parents—were standing next to their daughter's bed and both seemed to stiffen when they saw Dean walk in.

Trying to off-set the awkwardness, Sam quickly introduced himself, shaking hands with Claire and Devon.

"Dean talked about you a lot," Claire said, giving Dean's younger brother a small smile. "How you guys moved around a lot and everything? He sounded particularly proud when he mentioned that you were at Stanford."

"Yeah, but let me guess," Devon snapped, heatedly, as he glared at Dean and then Sam. "This is the first you've heard about us and Mandi?"

Claire put a hand on her husband's shoulder when she saw his hands ball into fists. She knew he was pissed off at Dean but this wasn't the time or the place for a confrontation. "I'm sure Dean had his reasons for keeping his and Mandi's marriage a secret."

"Yeah, and what were those?" Devon retorted, his temper still high as he turned his attention to Dean. When the older Winchester didn't reply immediately, Devon barked, "I asked you a question, boy."

"Dad, stop it!" Mandi said, huffily as she sat up in bed, giving Dean a sympathetic look. "It's not Dean's—"

"No, it's _your_ fault!" Devon shouted, enraged as he jabbed a finger in Sam's direction. "Your girlfriend died so you wanted your brother to be as miserable and heartbroken as you! Was that it?"

Sam was a split second away from decking Devon but Dean was ahead of him. Dean punched Devon hard in the face, knocking the man to the ground. "Dean!" Sam said, grabbing his brother by the shoulders and pulling him away.

But Dean wanted to go after his father-in-law again. "None of this was Sam's fault," Dean told him as Devon slowly got to his feet. "And no—I didn't tell my brother I was married. Because I always felt like it made me a hypocrite because all Sam wanted was a normal life and I always told him he couldn't have one. Even though I was the one who was married."

Looking from his in-laws to Mandi, Dean sighed and went on. "Look, I know I handled things wrong, okay? And the night I dropped Sam back at Stanford, I sat in my car thinking about how I owed him the truth. All the times he accused me of just following our dad's orders…" Looking at his brother, Dean gave him an apologetic look. "I wanted to tell you everything, Sammy. I was going to, but…" Looking at the Allards, he sighed again. "When I saw the fire and that Jessica was dead… All I could think about was if that had been Mandi."

"So you and she split so she'd be safe," Claire finished. "With all the evil and all the monsters you've seen," she said, understandingly. "—you didn't want Amanda to get hurt."

"Not by something I could protect her from," Dean replied.

xxxxx

Sam was just coming back from the hospital cafeteria when he spotted three unlikely people in the main lobby. "Bobby?"

The last Sam had seen of the grizzled old hunter, Bobby had been in a wheelchair after stabbing himself to kill the demon possessing him. The knife blade had hit Bobby's spinal cord and left him paralyzed from the waist down. The doctors had been extremely doubtful that Bobby would ever regain the use of his lower body, which had served to make the older man more than a little depressed.

But now—to Sam's absolute amazement—Bobby was back on his feet and standing with Ellen and Jo Harvelle.

While Ellen looked as good as ever—the healing scars from the hellhounds' attack were hidden by her clothes—Jo hadn't fared the attack as well. One of the demonic hound had gone for her midsection, but Jo had put one arm up in defense and the beast had ripped her right arm to shreds before clawing her left shoulder and chest.

It had taken 3 separate surgeries to repair the damage and Jo had been admitted to the hospital for 6 weeks before the doctors felt she was fit to leave.

But even though she had been out of the hospital for nearly 4 weeks now, Sam could see that Jo still had a long recovery ahead. Her left arm seemed to be doing better as she waved at Sam in greeting, but her right arm was missing just below the elbow.

As Sam looked from Bobby to the Harvelles, he wondered what was going on and more specifically, why Bobby was good as new and Jo wasn't.

"Regenerating lost limbs apparently isn't something angels can do, even at full power," Jo explained as she, Sam, Ellen, and Bobby headed for the elevator.

"Cas?" Sam guessed. He hadn't really spoken to the angel in the past week but it made sense that he would be the one to try and help Bobby and Jo.

"Gabriel," Bobby corrected, a tone of surprise in his voice. But as he looked at Sam, he gave a gruff sigh before he stopped the elevator between floors. "Look, Sam… Before we get there, there's something I gotta tell ya."

"Tell me what?" Sam asked, confused. But as he looked at the man he considered a surrogate father, he knew. "Dean told you about Mandi, didn't he?"

"I was there when they got married," Bobby replied, nodding. "Dean told me not to tell you, so I didn't. I wanted to, Sam, believe me. But you know how adamant your brother can get when it comes to keeping secrets."

Yes, Sam knew all too well about that. The past 24 hours were proof enough. "It doesn't matter," he said, firmly, before starting the elevator up again.

x

When the group got to Mandi's room, they found her alone and looking both worried and annoyed. "Dad and Dean got into it again," she explained to the others. "Mom hauled both of them out of the room. Told them if they were going to fight to do it outside.."

When Mandi suddenly seemed to go green around the gills, Ellen quickly grabbed one of the emesis bags on the table nearby and gave it to the young woman just in time for her to throw up.

After a minute or two, Mandi stopped vomiting and leaned back, taking the offered tissues to wipe her mouth.

"Rinse," Ellen directed, handing Dean's wife a cup of water.

Mandi rinsed her mouth and tossed the bag in the nearby trash can and gave Ellen a grateful look. "Sorry," she muttered. "Had chemo just a little bit ago. I forgot how much the vomiting sucks."

"I'm a mother, honey," Ellen replied, putting a hand on the younger woman's shoulder. "I've been there before. Stomach flu, food poisoning… It's nothing to feel embarrassed about. I'm Ellen Harvelle, by the way," she added, figuring introductions were in order. Pointing to her left, she added, "This is my daughter, Jo."

"Hey," Jo said, simply, taking in Mandi's appearance. _'Not what I would have pictured for Dean's wife,'_ she thought to herself.

But it was an observation that Amanda was used to. As she shook hands with Jo, she wondered what had happened to the girl's arm. "So I guess you probably pictured Dean married to some chick with long hair and longer legs, right?"

"How'd the two of you meet?" Jo asked, curiously. Gesturing over her shoulder, she said, "Bobby didn't give us a lot of details."

While the girls talked, Sam pulled Bobby out into the hall and closed the door behind him. "Bobby, I get you promised Dean you wouldn't talk about it, but—"

Bobby held up a hand to stop the younger Winchester and sighed before he said, "It wasn't just because of you." Leading Sam over to the waiting lounge, he waited until both of them were seated before he carried on. "Dean was beat up somethin' bad. Docs kept saying his leg would always be a problem and he's always be limping. But your brother—stubborn son of a bitch that he is—didn't stop until he was back to his old self. Now when Dean and Amanda got together, Dean was afraid your daddy would find out and split the two up."

Sam let out a long sigh. Yes, John Winchester would have done precisely that. Sam remembered his one serious girlfriend in high school and when he'd been about to move, he'd exchanged phone numbers with the girl. Then he'd made the mistake of telling his dad. John hadn't liked the idea of someone being able to track them and had thrown away the girl's number and their cell phones in the nearest dumpster.

But there was something else that likely would have happened as well. Had Sam known about his brother's relationship and marriage, he would have likely thrown it back at his father if he'd seen the man. _"Why can't I marry Jess and have a life? Dean married Mandi!"_ And that would have only kicked off round after round of fighting.

As much as he hated being kept in the dark about all this, Sam did have to begrudgingly admit he did understand his brother's rational. Rubbing his face with both hands, another thought started cropping up again in his mind. One that had been brewing ever since arriving in Milford. "Hey, Bobby? You think Mandi has a good shot with this bone marrow transplant?"

Bobby shrugged and rubbed his face with one hand. Talking with Sam about this was harder than talking with Dean. Sam hadn't been there when Dean and Mandi had met. He hadn't seen the couple as they dated, hadn't watched Dean propose, hadn't been at the brief wedding in a hospital room after Dean had been admitted after getting knocked unconscious by a wendigo. "Hard to say," Bobby finally shrugged. "But she's got a better chance with the transplant than without it."

x

Holding an ice pack to the forming bruise on his jaw as he sat on a exam bed in the emergency room, Dean looked over at Devon Allard who was sitting in the exam cubicle next to his. "I'm sorry," Dean said, finally, lowering the ice back and testing his jaw. It wasn't broken, but it still hurt.

"I'm sorry, too," Devon replied, begrudgingly. He hated admitting he was wrong, but in this case it was the truth. After a moment or two, he let out a deep breath. "Look, Dean…"

But Dean just nodded, not wanting to get into the discussion he could tell was coming. "Yeah."

Devon knew what his son-in-law was trying to avoid, but also knew that it was unavoidable. "Dean, Amanda's having the transplant in 2 days. She's really sick and…" There was a choke in his voice as he said, "And there is a… a chance she might not make it." There was a tense silence for another minute or so, as Devon considered his next words. "I'm sorry for lashing out at you and your brother. I'm scared, Dean. No parent should bury their child."

Dean tossed the ice pack aside and let the reality of the situation sink in. He'd been so worried about what to do now that Mandi was back in his life, but he'd been ignoring the biggest issue. Mandi's cancer was back and her only chance at beating the disease once and for all was a procedure that could possible be fatal. And if the truth be told, that was something that Dean wasn't ready for. How was he supposed to deal with the only woman he'd ever really loved dying?

Burying his face in his hands, Dean tried to fight the tears welling up in his eyes. Feeling someone putting a hand on his shoulder, he looked up to see Devon standing next to the exam bed. "I can't lose her," Dean said, quietly. "I screwed up before and I need another chance to make it right."

Devon gave Dean's shoulder a squeeze, but couldn't think of what to say.

xxxxx

"Dean, I want to talk to you about something," Mandi said that night. The two of them were alone in the hospital room since Dean had volunteered to stay with his wife overnight.

Once again, Dean felt like he was about to be getting into a conversation he didn't want to have, even though he knew it was one he needed to have. He changed seats from the chair he'd been sitting in to the edge of Mandi's bed as she sat up and reached for a folder on the bedside table on her other side. "What's this?" Dean asked when Mandi handed him the folder.

"My will… a D.N.R… and official stamped paperwork making you in charge of any medical decisions," Mandi explained, simply. She'd had the papers drawn up as soon as Dean had promised to come. She'd thought about giving control to her parents or Melissa, but she also knew that they would want her to fight. And it would be possible that they'd ignore the Do Not Resuscitate order. Looking at Dean, there was something else she'd come to realize. Giving her husband a slight smile, she said, "You know, we don't talk about it."

Dean set the paperwork aside and looked Mandi in the eye as he replied, "No time like the present."

Mandi thought for a moment about how best to start and finally figured she'd just talk. "When I was 10, I was in for a general physical. My pediatrician noticed that my right knee was swollen. I had an x-ray which showed a fair sized solid mass and a biopsy which confirmed cancer. I had the tumor removed and then underwent chemotherapy and radiation therapy. I went into remission when I was 12, relapsed when I was 16. The tumor was too ingrained in my leg for surgeons to remove everything so they had to amputate just below my mid-thigh. More chemo and radiation, then remission again after a year. Then relapsing again on my 21st birthday."

She paused a moment when Dean took her hand in his. His hands were rough and calloused but gentle and Mandi couldn't deny that she missed feeling his hands on her body as they made love. She wished they could do that again but with the Hickman catheter in her upper chest and the IVs in her left arm and right hand it was likely a bad idea.

Dean had apparently had the same idea because he started gently tracing down the left side of her neck with his hand. He missed feeling her soft hair between his fingers, but that wasn't important. As he gently pulled Mandi into a kiss, he knew there was something he needed to tell her. Pulling away, he looked into her blue eyes and admitted, "Sometimes… Sometimes, I'm happy you're missing you legs and your hair." When Mandi gave him a look of stunned disbelief, he looked away, ashamed of how he felt. "You weren't the kind of girl I'd date. Before you, I didn't give a crap about personality or… I wanted beautiful girls with long hair and flawless legs and big breasts."

Although Amanda had sort of known this for years, it hurt to hear Dean admit it out loud. To actually hear her husband say that she was the exact opposite of his ideal woman… that hurt worse than anything else she'd ever been through in her entire life.

"Amanda…" Dean said, looking at his girl again. "I love you. That has never changed." Realizing how bad his previous words sounded, he rubbed his face with one hand and sighed. "I don't like imagining other guys staring at your legs or running their hands through your hair. I know how stupid that sounds, but… When I first saw you, I couldn't help thinking about how amazing it would be to sleep with you, kissing every inch of your skin, touching every little scar… I've only had sex with one other woman since we separated and that was because we thought we were going to be in the middle of an angel/demon ultimate throwdown."

Mandi felt tears in her eyes and she just let them fall as she took that news in. She could understand the 'last night alive' sex, but the idea that Dean had been with another woman… "Did you love her?" she asked.

Dean immediately shook his head, kissing Mandi again. "I love you… and _only _you. And even if you're gone, I'm still never going to find someone to replace you."

They made out for nearly an hour with Dean kissing every inch of his wife he could while Mandi tried to do likewise, even though she still really weak.

They stopped after a while and Dean felt a surge of guilt for trying to get to second base with his dying wife. But as he pulled away, he felt a new rush of panic when Mandi's eyes seemed to glaze over. "Mandi. Mandi!" But then her hands started shaking and Dean repeatedly stabbed the call button and when the nurse came in, he shouted at her, "She's having a seizure!"

Additional nurses and Mandi's night shift doctor hurried in, pushing Dean out of the way as they started administering drugs and turning Mandi onto her side as she started vomiting.

Out in the hallway, Dean numbly fumbled with his cell phone as he dialed his brother's number. "Sammy," said, choking up on the word. "I-I need you. And Bobby and…" he didn't bother to hide the fact that he was crying as he said, "Just get here, Sammy. Please."

x

15 minutes later, the other hunters found Dean in Mandi's room in the ICU. Dean was holding her hand and his eyes were red from crying. He barely glanced up at the others as he said, dully, "She had a seizure. It was caused by a blood clot in her brain." His voice choked as he said, "They don't think she'll…" Dean started crying again and he bowed his head so the others couldn't see the tears.

Sam didn't know what to say as he looked at Amanda's unconscious form. She was intubated and on a ventilator and only the steady beeping of the monitors gave any indication she was still alive. "Maybe Cas could…"

Dean shook his head, slowly. "He tried. Nothing…" Sniffing loudly, he cleared his throat and said, "If the transplant worked… I was gonna stay here… with her. Have a house… maybe a kid someday…" Looking at his brother, Dean added, "The apple-pie life you never got to have with Jess."

Bobby, Sam, Ellen, and Jo said nothing. They just watched Dean as he stayed by his wife's side.

xxxxxxx

The fast beeping woke Dean just as daylight started streaming in through the window. He whirled around, feeling panic as he saw the numbers climb way to fast. But before he could call for help, the nurses and doctors rushed in to tend to Mandi.

Dean felt himself pulled away and when he looked, he was surprised to see Melissa standing next to him.

"She's crashing!" a doctor shouted as a nurse brought in a defibulator.

Melissa grabbed Dean's arm in a vice-like grip as the doctor tried to shock Mandi's heart back into rhythm but after nearly 5 minutes, the medical staff looked defeated as the doctor holding the paddles said, "Time of death… 5:52 am."

Melissa let out an anguished wail as she clung to Dean who was barely hanging on himself.

Devon and Claire raced up and stopped dead when they saw the monitors. Claire seemed to withdraw into her husband's arms and Devon looked shellshocked.

"I'm sorry," one of the doctors said as he came out of the room.

Looking in the room, Dean felt his world crashing around him. As he pulled away from Melissa who went to join her parents in a 3-way hug, he looked at Sam and Bobby. As he walked past them, he muttered, "I'm done."


	4. What Hurts the Most

AUTHOR'S NOTES: So there's this chapter and then an epilogue following it.

In this chapter, Dean's an absolute mess and tries to deal with losing Mandi.

And the title for this chapter comes from the Rascal Flatts song of the same name.

Now, as far as the church I mention later in the chapter-I am actually referencing an actual location which is the Presbyterian church Kirk in the Hills in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. The building is absulutely beautiful and if you live anywhere near there, you should go visit at least once.

Chapter 4 What Hurts the Most

* * *

When Dean went missing that morning, Sam had expected to find his brother either in the motel room getting drunk, or in the Impala doing the same thing.

But instead, Sam had found his brother at the Zingerman's Delicatessen in Ann Arbor at a table outside. Pulling up a chair, Sam sat down and just waited for Dean to say something. He remembered how wrecked Dean had been after their father's death and had no doubts that this would be even worse.

The silence was long but finally, Dean said, "This is where I proposed to Mandi… 13 months after we met." He let out a choked laugh that sounded more like a sob and looked up at Sam. "She loved the bread from here but she'd never been to the place. So I called and told the deli owners that I wanted to ask my girlfriend to marry me here. They helped set everything up."

Sam considered his words carefully. He didn't want to say the wrong thing but he wanted to say something. "After Jess died… When I saw her burning on that ceiling… I wished you hadn't come in to save me." It was something that he'd never told Dean before, although he was sure that Dean had probably guessed at it.

Dean didn't reply to that. He didn't want Sam to know that right now killing himself was pretty high on the list. But Sam didn't know the real reasoning behind it. It took a few moments, but finally, he said, "It was my fault, Sammy. We were making out like a couple of horny teenagers and the next thing I knew, she's seizing because of a stroke." His voice was flat and emotionless and it took every ounce of strength he had left to keep from pulling his gun out and blowing his brains out right then and there.

As if he could read his brother's thoughts—which were pretty obvious—Sam led Dean to the Impala and made sure he handed over his gun and both knives before getting in.

Heading back to Milford, Sam couldn't gauge Dean's state of mind but there was something he needed to ask. "Dean, I was wondering if… if you wanted to stay for the funeral."

God, the funeral, Dean thought with a heavy sigh. There was no way he could avoid it. If he didn't show up, the Allards would hate him forever. But if he went, he would be expected to say something and he wasn't sure if he could do that.

"We don't have to go," Sam said, trying to give his brother an out. "We can make up some excuse and leave town tonight." When Dean remained silent, he tried another tack. "It's not your fault, Dean." It was a lame statement, but as Sam thought about it more, he added, "I'm sorry I was on your case on the way here. If anyone is to blame for all this, it's me."

"It's not your fault, either, Sammy," Dean replied, looking at his younger brother. "I knew that using Jessica's death as an excuse to be away from Mandi was low… I just didn't want to admit that I was scared."

"Scared of losing her?" Sam supplied, thoughtfully. When Dean nodded, another thought started creeping into his mind. "To something supernatural… or to the cancer?"

It was both, actually. And when Dean felt the tears coming up again, he was surprised when Sam pulled off the road. Without saying a word, Dean got out of the car and went back behind a tree. His whole life, he'd been taught that Winchesters don't cry or show emotion. But he couldn't help it. Mandi had been one more person he couldn't save. He could have made a deal or made some calls and maybe found a faith healer or something.

But he'd done nothing except watch his wife die.

It wasn't fair. Whether it was his mother or Jess, or Mandi, anyone who loved the Winchesters, it seemed their fate to die a horrible death.

Sometimes Dean thought that his father had been right about not getting emotionally involved with civilians, but when he remembered every moment spent with Mandi…

No, as bad as he felt right now, he wouldn't trade his time with Amanda for anything. And his one regret was all the time they had spent apart. Even when he thought he only had a year left after making the crossroads deal to bring Sam back, if he could have gone back and done things differently, he would have come back here to see Mandi and he would have told Sam everything.

Letting everything wash over him, Dean slowly sank to the ground and let himself fall apart.

xxxxx

When they got to the motel room, Sam hurried in first and grabbed all the weaponry—or anything that could be used as a weapon—from his and Dean's duffels before going back out to the car and locking everything up in the trunk. He didn't know if Dean was still considering suicide, but right now Sam didn't feel like taking any chances.

But Dean just sank onto his bed without saying a word and started fiddling with the silver wedding band he wore.

"You want me to pick something up?" Sam asked, cautiously. He didn't like the idea of leaving Dean alone right now but given that all the gun, knives, and other weaponry was locked in the trunk, Sam figured it would be safe as long as he had the keys. "Dean?" he asked again when his brother remained silent.

"Whatever you want, Sam," Dean muttered, just staring ahead at the wall.

Sam just nodded and headed out the door, stopping when he saw Bobby's Charger pull up next to the Impala.

Ellen got gout of the car and took in the keys Sam held. "Diner run?" she asked. When Sam nodded, she added. "Don't forget the pie. I'll stay with Dean."

"Thanks," Sam said, earnestly. He'd been worried that Dean would still find something in the room to hurt himself with but he felt better now that his brother wouldn't be alone. Heading to the café in town, Sam picked up a couple sandwiches and sodas before hitting the bakery next door for a deep dish 4-berry pie.

Before going back to the motel, Sam pulled into the parking lot of a liquor store and sat for a few moments, thinking. Alcohol probably wasn't the best idea right now, but if Sam brought the booze back to the motel, at least he would have to worry about Dean stumbling back from a bar in the middle of the night. Or worse, Dean would try to drive and get himself hurt or killed. Or worse still, he'd hurt or kill someone else accidentally.

Walking inside the store, Sam perused the whiskeys and bourbons first, selecting a bottle of each before picking up a bottle of scotch for good measure. After paying, Sam headed back to the motel, hoping Dean was okay.

x

As soon as Sam had driven off, Ellen went inside the motel room and she hadn't been surprised at all to see Dean just sitting numbly on the bed. "How're you doing, sweetie?" she asked, sitting on the other bed. It was hard seeing the young man in such obvious emotional pain and she wished she could do something more to help. She remembered when John Winchester had come by to tell her that Bill was dead and her first reaction had been to punch John in the face about 4 or 5 times before sobbing in his arms for a few minutes, during which John told her what had happened. Afterwards, Ellen just about literally threw him out of the bar, screaming that she'd kill him if he ever came by again.

None of which, she had ever told the Winchester boys.

"How'd you do it?" Dean asked for a while, rubbing his face with both hands. Looking at Ellen, he clarified the question. "After Bill died… How'd you… move on or whatever?"

Ellen let out a long sigh. "It wasn't easy. And it took a long time for me to stop being angry."

Dean looked away, feeling guilty not only for bringing up the past, but because it had been his father's fault Bill Harvelle was dead. "At Dad?" Dean said, quietly.

"At myself, mostly," Ellen admitted. "I kept thinking if I had tried to push the issue of Bill quitting for good… But it's just who he was. Nothing would have gotten him to walk away from hunting and deep down I knew that."

Dean nodded, slowly. He understood what she was saying and he knew that Ellen would probably understand better than anyone how he felt. "I left Mandi because… 'Cause I… I was just scared. I mean, we never talked about the cancer, but I was always afraid that she'd die and…" The tears were welling up in his eyes again and he wiped them furiously away. "I was just so stupid! I should have been here! I should have…" Dean was once again crying openly now and he sobbed, "I miss her. I love her so much and she didn't…"

Ellen's maternal instincts kicked into high gear and she moved to sit next to Dean before pulling him into a hug. When Dean withdrew a minute or two later, Ellen looked at him, her gaze full of sympathy and understanding. "When Jo was in the hospital after the hellhounds attacked, I went into the chapel. I couldn't stop crying. I was so scared for Jo and I kept crying… The chaplain there said to me that people cry—not because they're weak—but because they've been strong for too long."

After a few more minutes of watching Dean's silent tears, Ellen put a hand on his back and said, "It's okay to break down sometimes. You're human, sweetie. It happens to everyone."

And with that, Dean seemed to fall to the floor, awash in his grief. Ellen just sank to her knees beside him, trying to comfort him as best she could.

xx

An hour later, Sam opened the door to the motel room and found Dean passed out on his bed. Ellen was sitting on Sam's bed and as Sam set his bags down on the table, he kept his voice down as he said, "How's he doing?" When Ellen just shrugged, Sam sighed as he studied his brother. "That good, huh?"

Ellen smile was kind as she sat at the table and took the sandwich Sam offered, putting Dean's in the small fridge for later along with the berry pie. "It's gonna be hard for him for a while, honey," she said, simply. "Especially after Amanda's funeral."

Sam just nodded as he ate his salad. He didn't know how he was going to make it through this whole thing. He felt like right now his job was to be Dean's babysitter and keep his big brother from killing himself or going completely off the rails. "What am I gonna do, Ellen? I-I just feel helpless right now."

"You're doing all you can," Ellen assured him. "Right now Dean's wracked with guilt and it's gonna get a lot worse. Just be there for him, honey. It's all you can do for now."

xxxxxxxxx

The morning of the funeral, Dean was awake and dressed in the suit he usually used to act as a federal agent before Sam was even awake. Sitting at the table, he looked at the wedding band he wore. "I really fucked up, didn't I?" he said to himself. "Guess that's what I'm best at—screwing things up and making a mess out of everything… getting the people I love killed…"

"Dean?" Sam said as he woke up. Looking over at his brother, he just raised an eyebrow in the universal Winchester signal for 'You okay?'. When Dean just nodded wordlessly as he stood and went to refill his flask with the bottle of bourbon, Sam waited until his brother looked at him again and gave him another signal. This time, the unspoken question was 'Want to talk about it?'

But Dean just shook his head before finishing off the bourbon left in the bottle in one go. Thankfully, the bottle had been near empty. It was just as well since it would likely be a bad idea to show up to Mandi's funeral drunk.

When Sam was ready to go, Dean just stood and headed out the door, his brother behind him.

xxxx

The church was an old building made of stone and brick with cobbled walkways and behind was a series of peaceful looking gardens.

There were a few cars in the parking lot and Dean felt like he was going to be sick as Sam parked.

As the brothers got out of the Impala, they saw an old Dodge Charger pull into the lot and park beside them. A moment later, Bobby, Ellen, and Jo got out of the car.

"You okay, son?" Bobby asked, giving Dean a concerned look. He knew Dean wasn't okay. Hell, no one in their right mind would be okay in this situation. But when Dean nodded, Bobby didn't press it.

Stepping forward, Jo gave Dean a one-armed hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. "Come on, Dean," she said, giving him an encouraging smile before taking his arm with her remaining hand and leading Dean into the church.

The inside of the church was even more beautiful than the outside and as Dean saw the Allards, he felt his stomach turning, especially when he saw the looks from Mandi's sister and father. He knew the looks were because of Jo and that his in-laws probably though Jo was a date.

But Jo had noticed the looks as well and quickly said, "I'm Dean's cousin. My parents and I heard about Amanda and we decided to come down." When she caught Melissa glancing at what remained of her right arm, Jo explained, "Wild dog attack."

"Uh, I think we met before when Dean and Mandi got married," Bobby interjected, stepping forward and holding out his hand. "I'm Bobby Singer." Putting an arm around Ellen, he added, "This is my wife, Ellen, and her daughter, Jo."

Trying to offset the awkward situation, Claire said, "Uh, please…. Sit with us. We're right up front."

Dean sat with his Sam, Bobby, Ellen, and Jo on his left and the Allards on his right. Taking a brief hit from his flask, he didn't really feel any better with the alcohol in his system, but he tried to act like he did.

When the service started, Dean fingered the eulogy he'd written which was tucked away in his pocket. But the more he ran the words over in his mind, the more he hated them.

When the minister asked for Mandi's family and friends to come up to the front and speak, Claire Allard went first.

"Mandi was always happy and cheerful," Claire began, sniffling slightly as she spoke. "She never seemed bothered by missing her left leg as a little girl. It was something she just because used to because she'd lived with it her whole life. When…" Taking a moment, Claire waited until she wasn't as choked up before going on. "When the cancer was first diagnosed, I thought that it wasn't fair—that my little girl had been through enough. But Mandi just dealt with it. And when the disease took her right leg, she just kept going. She wasn't going to let anything keep her from living her life."

Melissa went next and talked about how her sister had pushed herself both in school and in life to never let anything be an obstacle. And as she looked at the memorial behind her and the urn which contained Mandi's ashes, she finished, "I wish I had been a better sister, Mandi. I'll miss you every day."

When Melissa sat down, Dean stood and walked up to the front and looked at the crowd. He took in Mandi's family and friends and even saw some of nurses and doctors from the hospital. As he looked at the poster sized pictures of Amanda's smiling face—both during her remission stages and when she was bald from chemotherapy—Dean knew she would trying to make him laugh if she was still there.

With that in mind, Dean turned to the others and said, "If Mandi were here I know she'd have given me a swift kick in the ass for how I've been acting lately. Every memory, every thought of her has been making me fall apart. Mandi and I met in the hospital. She'd just finished chemo and I'd gotten thrown out of an attic window. My brother was away at college and my dad was off on business, and Mandi started talking to me because she thought I looked lonely."

He paused a moment and after thinking through his next words, he went on. "I wasn't the husband I should have been. I let my work keep us apart. But I loved Amanda. And even after we separated, I couldn't stop thinking about her and wishing I could go back and change things. I just wish sometimes I knew just what Mandi saw in me that made her think I was her Mr. Right," Dean admitted. "Mandi was the second best thing to ever happen in my life and there's never going to be a single moment when I won't miss her like Hell."

xxxxxxx

After the service, Sam hung back as he watched Dean talking with Devon, Claire, and Melissa Allard. In between talking to the friends and family members leaving the church, the group seemed to be talking quietly and after a few minutes, Claire embraced Dean warmly, kissing his cheek before he pulled away. Melissa hugged him next and Dean hugged her back just as tightly. Then Dean and Devon shook hands before a quick hug.

Joining his brother, Bobby, Ellen, and Jo, Dean looked a little better but his eyes were still red and glistening with unshed tears. Wiping his eyes, Dean looked at what family he had left. "Look, I meant what I said before. I'm done. Hunting, the… the moving around. I-I can't stay here, but… I'm out."

"It's okay, son," Bobby assured him with a warm smile. "And if you want to stay at my place, you can. Long as you want."

"Thanks, Bobby," Dean replied, sincerely. Looking at Sam, he said, "Sammy, the best day of my life was when you came along and I became a big brother. I'm sorry I kept everything from you."

Sam didn't say anything, but rather he just pulled his big brother into a hug. When Dean hugged back, Sam finally smiled. When the brothers pulled away, Sam said, "If you're done, Dean, then I am, too." When Dean started to argue, Sam waved him off. "You're not the only one who's tired of everything Dean. And if you think I'm just going to abandon you, you're wrong."

"And before you even say it," Jo threw in as Dean turned to her, looking her partially missing arm. "—what happened to me is _not_ your fault, Dean. You gotta stop thinking the whole world is on your shoulders."

"She's right, honey," Ellen insisted. "Cut yourself some slack."

Dean just nodded, feeling suddenly beat. But before he could go back to the motel, he knew that first he had to go to the wake over at the local banquet hall. After saying so to the others, Bobby just nodded and they all headed out to the parking lot and to the Charger and Impala.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

When Dean and Sam finally got back to the motel much later that evening, Sam watched Dean grab his favorite jeans and shirt and head into the bathroom.

The wake had been hard. Dean had been talking with a lot of Mandi's friends and other family members and the more people he talked to, the more Sam had seen the guilt weighing on his brother. After Sam changed into his usual street clothes, he knocked on the bathroom door, not liking the silence that was coming from the bathroom. "Dean? Dean, you okay?"

But there was nothing. No sounds of Dean trying to hide the fact that he was crying or…

Sam froze when he suddenly heard a chilling noise—one that he knew only too well. It was the faint 'click' of the hammer being pulled back on a revolver. Sam's hand went instantly to the door knob but it wouldn't budge and he felt his panic rising when he realized that not only was the door locked, but that Dean had obviously wedged something against the door. "Dean!" Sam shouted, pounding on the door. "Dean, open the door!"

Sam felt wave after wave of anger and hurt and desperation. He kept pounding on the door and shouting but it was no use. Finally, Sam took a step back and hit the door with his shoulder as hard as he could. It took two more hits and just as the door broke open, Sam's eyes went wide and he screamed Dean's name just as his brother pulled the trigger on the revolver he held.

The quiet click signaling the empty chamber echoed as loudly as an actual gunshot and Sam hauled off and punched Dean as hard as he could in the jaw while tears streamed down his face.

"Damnit, Sammy," Dean said quietly. "It hurts so much and I… I can't take this. I just can't."

Sam took the gun from his brother and threw it onto one of the motel beds before sitting on the floor next to his brother. "Dean, you just gotta keep going, man. It's all you can do. And it's gonna hurt for a long time."

Dean wiped his face with one hand and let out a deep breath. "Does it ever stop hurting?" he wanted to know even as the ache in his chest seemed to build.

Sam's expression was sad as he shook his head. "No… It just stops hurting so much."


	5. Love is a Wonderful Thing

AUTHOR'S NOTES: So I admit that I may have borrowed part of this little epilogue from the Terri Clark song 'She Didn't Have Time'. I just thought it fit pretty well.

Epilogue—Love is a Wonderful Thing

* * *

_7 Years Later_

_**Sterling, Virginia**_

Dean Winchester had only felt this nervous once in his life, and that had been when he'd first been married to Mandi Allard.

And now he was getting married again.

It was more than 2 years before Dean could even think about going out with another woman and even when he did, it just never worked out. He couldn't stop thinking about Mandi and every date turned out to be a one-time only deal.

And then Zoey Franklin had come into his life. A widow with 3 kids, Zoey had lost her husband in a car accident when a drunk driver had smashed into his car.

The two had met when they both ended up at the same support group meeting for people who had lost loved ones and had gone out for coffee afterwards.

xx

When the meeting had concluded, Zoey had headed to her car, just wanting to get home to her kids. She knew that it was supposed to help her move on with her life but always bringing up the mast just made it hurt even more. And it was the little things, realy. Like the way Hank had worn the same old t-shirt to bed even though it was old and worn and threadbare. Or the way he never failed to do something unbelievably special of her birthday—even if it was just bringing home take-out from her favorite Mexican resteraunt.

But as she wandered through her thoughts, Zoey came crashing back to reality when she got to her car and noticed that one of her tires was flat. It was just a simple thing—by the looks of it, it was just a nail she'd picked somewhere. But as she stood there, staring at the tire, she just felt like screaming. Why couldn't life just give her a break for once? Why did the world always have to beat her down? Leaning against the side of her car, she started to cry when a voice behind her made her start.

"Hey, you okay?"

Wiping her eyes, Zoey nodded as she turned to see one of the other support group members—Dean Winchester—coming up. "Picked up a nail or something. Um… Do you mind waiting with me while I call a tow truck? It's a little late, and…"

Dean smiled and said, "Do you one better. If you've got a spare tire I can just fix this right here."

Zoey blinked in surprise at that. "Uh, yeah. It's under the bed of the trunk."

Less than half an hour later—during which the two shot the breeze—the spare tire was on and the flat tire was in the trunk. "I-I feel like I should pay you for this," Zoey said quickly, pulling her wallet out of her purse as she spoke.

Dean just waved her off with a smile. "Tell you what—How about a cup of coffee instead? My brother runs the shop just down the street."

It was getting late and she needed to get home to her kids, but there was something in Dean's eyes that she found irresistible. And even though she didn't really have time, Zoey nodded. "Coffee sounds great."

X

When Sam saw his brother coming into the coffee shop, he smiled as he saw that Dean wasn't alone but rather with a woman maybe a year or so younger. They sat down at one of the tables and Sam quickly poured two cups of fresh coffee and handed them to one of the girls at the counter. "For my brother and his friend. On the house."

Keeping an eye on Dean as he finished his work and started closing up, Sam saw Dean really smile for the first time in months. "Good for you, Dean," Sam said to himself under his breath.

X

And that had just been the first date.

By date #7, Dean had been introduced to Zoey's kids who had taken to Dean like ducks to water. The only real challenges had come up when Zoey asked about Dean's wedding ring from his first marriage and when Zoey's kids(Hannah who was 13, Harrison who was 11, and Nate who was 7) found Dean's weapons.

At first Zoey had thought that Dean was crazy and refused to talk to him or even let her kids anywhere near him. But when Zoey had been kidnapped by demons, she'd been forced to accept that what Dean told her was true—especially when Dean did an exorcism on the demons in question.

But now, as the couple stood in the church ready to take their vows, Dean still felt his thoughts drift to Mandi. Zoey was like her in so many ways—her kindness, her strength…

"_It's okay, Dean. You deserve to be happy," _Mandi's voice said in Dean's mind as he slid the wedding band on Zoey's hand.

In the pews, Sam smiled as he took his own wife's hand. Two years ago, he and Jo Harvelle—Now Jo Winchester—had married and Jo was now pregnant with their first child, a girl they were planning to name Mary Amanda.

As Dean and Zoey shared their first kiss as husband and wife, for the first time in years, Dean felt genuinely happy.

* * *

A/N: And now that my muse has been appeased, she'll be working overtime on 'Seek and Ye Shall Find'. Especially considering that that's the only story of mine that's really planned out.


End file.
